Nothing is permanent – our lives and our very being right down to every cell in our body, the material universe and all that we hold on to is in a constant state of change- birth-death and rebirth.
Knowing this we nonetheless hold on to and with such vehemence to whatever we can that gives us a sense of identity and nurtures the basic human need of wanting to own – to possess whatever we can.
Holding on to certain things in life is necessary and meaningful– our health, loved ones, genuine friendships, shelter, the possessions that don’t possess us and what we need for our basic survival however there is another side to holding on – the limiting and more painful version.
We hold on to people – even the unhealthy relationships, habitual limiting patterns and beliefs, a job or business that we’ve outgrown and to suffering and pain; the result of either an attachment or an aversion.
Let go or be dragged. – Zen proverb
When you have a strong attachment to a person, situation or material object the mere thought of letting go can cause pain and suffering. When you have a strong aversion to a person, place or experience the thought of making contact with it can cause you pain or suffering. Either way there is a sense of holding on.
Pain and suffering become a safety net- a familiar and comfortable place and we have a tendency to hold on to the familiar even if it’s not in our best interest.
What keeps us holding on?
Control, fear, need for approval, a belief in scarcity, defining ourselves by “ists” and “isms,” addicted to drama and other deep seated patterns.
We pin our happiness to people, possessions and experiences. When you define yourself by your relationships, possessions, career or geography that creates attachment –a holding onto pattern. When it all falls away – a relationship ends, stuff breaks, or your contract expires you experience not only the loss of what you’ve had however the loss of how you’ve defined yourself, of who you are.
Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing – Pema Chodron
5 common reasons that underpin holding on with tips to help let go
Fear – False Evidence Appearing Real
Fear is often based on past events and while you continue to hold on to the past you remain connected to the psychological issues associated with those people, experiences and events. Not being able to let go can cause a sense of disempowerment and immobilize you.
I witness it often in coaching sessions and of course everyday life – staying in the unhappy relationship, friendship or group for fear of being alone or not belonging to a tribe – having allowed a sense of worth to be defined by another or others in a circle of influence.
- When a relationship ends reframe it as changing or transforming so you can let go of it in its original form and create the possibility of a friendship or new relationship
- Recognize that your self-worth is not measured by your self-wealth or how many “Friends” you have
Either you or society has confined you to the box labelled with your job title or your ist or ism. When the job goes a sense of identity can go with it and often the fear of not being employable again.
- Recognize your myriad of skills, experience, attributes, qualities and values – all of these are transferrable not only to another job however to another career entirely or your new and soon to be successful business
- Focus on what you want for the future and create values based goals to match your desires
You fear that letting go is going without, when “Letting go can be Letting in” – Letting in a new state of being- joy and freedom, new ideas, career, people and resources.
Living in the past
How often do you find yourself referencing your past – hanging onto past rejections or hurts using them to make someone wrong and blame them for aspects of your life?
Do you use the past as a means to justify and hold on to your current behaviour or situation?
- Write a journal and express your feelings then toss out each page at the end of each week or month
- Write a letter to that certain someone or loved one who has left you or died and then shred or burn it
- Get on board with some professional coaching/processes – the holding onto patterns that cause limiting behaviour and beliefs generally run long and deep
The “What if” syndrome
Does this sound familiar – that little “what if” voice inside your head that loves to interject when there is the slightest whiff of change?
What if I lose weight and get back to the old size again? Or What if I gain weight again and need those now oversized jeans?
- What if none of the above happens? Accept your present physicality, enjoy the skin you’re in and give away what doesn’t fit
What if I end this relationship and never meet anyone again?
- Imagine yourself with someone who is more compatible with the person you have become and living out your life in healthy and happy relationship
What if a massive meteorite landed on earth and you had nothing left to hold on to?
- I love this wonderfully effective pattern interrupt that also helps to create a state change
It’s not good for the environment
There is an entire industry – people making a fortune out of convincing us how bad we are if we let go of anything from rotting food to worn out clothes – we’ll be doomed for a life of guilt and retribution.
- My organic vegetable and fruit scraps go to the chooks across the road. Find out if someone in your hood has chooks or get some feathered friends
- Clothes no longer loved go to a Women’s refuge or other charity
- Let people know –politely of course that you would prefer that they “mind their own recycling”
I’m overwhelmed and don’t know where and how to start
It’s easy to make excuses like “It’s not the right time” or “Out of sight, out of mind” or perhaps you’re simply not able to distinguish your trash from your treasure.
- Bring out your inner tosser – start with one room at a time and allocate a couple of hours each week to sort out your possessions
- Check the use by date on everything in your cupboards, fridge and pantry – spices to vitamins and medicines to your personal care products
- Go through your filing cabinet or storage space and toss unnecessary papers i.e. old receipts, tax records no longer required and those 37 photos with the exact same shot of Machu Picchu (yes, that was me)
Holding on to stuff can be exhausting, time and space consuming and at worst toxic.
Letting go of the need to possess, hold on to and control the world around you gives you more space, time, new opportunities and the freedom to move forward and enhance your happiness.
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